whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
