Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
