She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize