I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i think i just lost a toe
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
