I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize