There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize