Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
