so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize