So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
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