There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
