guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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