I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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