these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
