I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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