I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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