I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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