I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Someone signed my nipple.
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