Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
