mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The power of my boobs compel you
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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