the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
