i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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