well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
