Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
