So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
