I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
