Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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