I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
