So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
