Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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