I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
