Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize