i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
