plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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