Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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