Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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