today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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