Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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