I just saw a hot homeless man
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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