I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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