How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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