I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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