Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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