Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
