At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
