my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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