Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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