I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
