the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
