My cat gives me a boner
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
