You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
