it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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