Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
