i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize