I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize