you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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