Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
