Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
