At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
