I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
