I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
