The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Someone signed my nipple.
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