i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
