What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
